“When we choose Should the journey is smooth, the risk is small. Must is different—there aren’t options and we don’t have a choice.”
Many of us, myself included take should. Should is safe, simple, it's what society, those around us, our cultures all say we ought to do. Must on the other hand, is scary, it holds no guarantees, but it is the voice deep inside you, it's your gut, your passion…
“Because when we choose Must, we are no longer looking for inspiration out there. Instead, we are listening to our calling from within, from some luminous, mysterious place.”
What stuck with me was there have been many moments in my life where I took should, in part due to family pressures but mainly because I wasn’t confident enough to go for what I wanted. The first time, I chose must was when I decided to move to London- it’s been the hardest decision of my life and there still are no guarantees as I go into year two but I’m better for it or at least I hope I am.
My friends always ask what is it about London that still makes you want to stay? This isn’t a silly question by any means…London has been quite mean to me, cruel even, yet I don’t want to be anywhere else. The only thing I can say (which never seems like an adequate response) is it’s a feeling, an unwavering belief so strong that says this is where I will fall apart but also find the strength to scrape myself off the floor to discover who I am, what I want and what I can do. It’s the same feeling I came to London with and although it no longer keeps me warm at night, I trust my gut when it says this is where I’m meant to be.
“As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.” – Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & the City.
I've given up a lot to be here. The money aspect I can somewhat come to terms with but for someone who is exceptionally close to their family its hard missing out. My brother, the only person in the world I would drop my London dream for (he would never ask because he knows this) is getting married next year. Never did I think I wouldn't be around to plan the way we always dreamed…I know I am letting him down and that kills me…I pray I'm doing the right thing and that he can forgive me for not being around.
I may just be rambling but from someone who gets the struggle of living two lives, I'm saying trust your gut, try not to feel guilty (it’s not a bad thing!), learn to ask for help and know that your loved ones will be there for you. And, even when everything seems to be spiraling out of control, don’t give up…you will find the courage to fight another day.